Rite of Manliness
by recodan
Summary: The ultimate Naruto vs. Sasuke story!


" We need to settle this once and for all." growled Naruto. Sasuke nodded, looking equally angry.

Sakura, three feet away from the tense pair, was confused. A moment before, they had been rather civil, not arguing for once. Then, they passed a video game store and the two went nuts.

" So, how are we going to do this?" asked Naruto, crossing his arms.

" Let's use Shino and Kiba as our officiators." said Sasuke. " That gives us until tomorrow, since they just got back from a mission. You going to call it or do I have to?"

" Sasuke the Teme! Last of the Uchiha clan and my eternal rival!" said Naruto in grandiose tones, pointing to Sasuke. " I challenge you to the Rite of Manliness! I will prove that I am the Mario and you are the Luigi!"

" What the hell are you to talking about?" screeched Sakura. The women in on the same street looked simialy confused, while the med were talking amongst themselves nervously, staring at Naruto and Sasuke.

" I accept, Naruto the Baka." said Sasuke with a smirk. " But I'm afraid you'll be the one wearing the green shirt once this is over. There's no way I could lose to a loser like you."

" Sakura!" said Kakashi, racing over to her. She noticed he looked scared. " W-what just happened?"

" Naruto challenged Sasuke to something about manliness." said Sakura with a shrug. " Is he just-"

" Naruto, you fool!" shouted Kakashi, collapsing to his knees.

" It's too late." said Sasuke, turning and walking away. " It's been called. I'll be at the ritual site tomorrow."

" Same here. Oh, Kaka-sensei. You'll be presiding. Kiba and Shino will be the officiators." said Naruto before storming off.

" I never thought…." said Kakashi, sobbing into his hands. " They know not to go this far!"

" Sensei, you need to explain." said Sakura, walking over to him.

" I can't. It's not something a woman can understand." said Kakashi sadly, standing up.

" You could try." said Sakura, feeling insulted. " We girls are pretty smart."

" It's not that your not smart enough." said Kakashi, turning to her. " The Rite on Manliness is just something foreign to the female mind. You can't understand it, just like how men don't get why you can't put the toilet seat down. Damn, this is what did it, right?"

The women-folk looked on in confusion as the men folk gathered around the window of the video game store.

" They ought to be more careful." said Kakashi, taking down the poster for the new Mario Brothers game that had just came out. " Sure, the Rite only get's called every few years, but putting the ad for this on the outside of the store….what were they thinking?"

" Kaka-sensei, you have to tell me what's going on." said Sakura, following him as he walked away.

" Sakura, this game is called Super Mario Brothers." said Kakashi, pointing to the poster. " Not Super Luigi Brothers. But Luigi is always in the games. He's the loveable but useless sidekick."

" I don't know why that's important, but keep going." said Sakura, nodding.

" The side kick is a tough job. He doesn't get the girl. He is the comedy relief in tense scenes. He isn't the one people care about. What the Rite of Manliness is a challenge to determine which of the two men who participate in in is the Luigi and which is the Mario."

" I still get it, a little." said Sakura, squinting as she tried to make her brain process the stupidity.

" There are grave consequences to this Rite." continued Kakashi. " The worst is that the Luigi often dies heroically to give the Mario the motivation to defeat the Bowser and save the Princess Peach."

" That's retarded."

" Yes, it is." said Kakashi, tears welling up in his eye. " I didn't understand what it meant when I accepted the Rite when Obito called it when we were kids."

" He's the person who….sacrificed himself to save you, right?" said Sakura gingerly.

" Yes. He was the Luigi. Had I not accepted he would probably be alive. And I might have gotten to marry Rin."

" Wait, what?" said Sakura, her brain starting to melt.

" The Mario gets the girls." said Kakashi with a sigh. " But he can't keep them. The next game rolls around and he's single again. But if the Luigi gets the girl, she's his forever. It's a trade off. Being one or the other determines the rest of your life."

" Sakura dot exe has crashed." said the pink haired girl, coming to a halt. " Press any key to continue. This kunochi will restart automatically in one minute."

" Told you." said Kakashi, shaking his head as he walked away.

--

At the ritual grounds the next morning, there was quite a crowd. The men, as always, showed up to watch the Rite, but this time the women showed up as well. Most were curious as to what was going to happen, some like Tsunade, were worried about the grave outcomes that they couldn't seem to understand, and others, like Anko, were hoping for bare cheasted mud wrestling.

" Dudes, are you, like, totally ready for this?" said Kiba, lighting the sacred barbeque.

" There is still time to back out." said Shino, putting up the holy swimsuit calendar.

" No. This has to go down." said Naruto, staring determinedly at Sasuke.

" Fine." said Shino walking away. " Hear ye, hear ye!" he called out.

" On this totally awesome day, Sasuke the Teme and Naruto the Baka will do battle in the most manly tradition!" said Kiba, opening a can of sacramental beer and pouring it in a circle around the two opponents.

" This rite is as old as time itself!" said Shino as the men got out their copies of Icha Icha and opened it, as tradition demanded. " For as long as there had been testosterone, this ritual had been held! Rejoice, for while these two warriors are about to carve their lives stories in stone, they have done so willingly and without fear! We will now honor them in the way of our forefathers!"

In unison the male populace of Kohona belched.

" Now, let this thing, like, begin or something!" announced Kiba.

Naruto let out a deep breath and slapped his palms together, straining hard. Sasuke began to rub his upper lip quickly.

" What are they doing?' asked Shizune.

" It's a race to see who can grow a moustache first." said Kakashi, turning to face the confused women. " While Naruto's trying to make it grow by forcing it out, Sasuke's taking the high risk method of stimulating growth with friction. It could work quicker, but sometimes it actually does harm."

" How does having a moustace solve anything?" asked Sakura, drooling slightly. She was still recovering from the day before.

Kakashi held up the video game poster and pointed to Mario and Luigi's moustaches.

" It's just how we solve things." said Kakashi, pulling his mask down and revealing the well trimmed silver facial hair. " Don't mock it. It's a beautiful thing."

" No it's not!" shouted Sakura and Ino. " It looks stupid!"

" Dude, check it out!" said Kiba. " Naruto's got something already!"

True enough, blonde beach fuzz had appeared on Naruto's lip. Unfortunately, at that exact moment, Sasuke stopped rubbing his lip. In a instant a thick handlebar moustache grew in.

" Sasuke wins!" said Shino as Naruto's moustache grew out, taking a bushy, whisker like look. " The red shirt goes to Sasuke!"

As the women watched Sasuke was born away by the crowd, a red shirt forced onto him.

" Dang." sighed Naruto, poking at the facial hair.

" Y-y-ou d-did v-very w-well, N-Naruto-k-k-k-k-kun." Hinata stammered, blushing deeply.

" Thanks, Hinata-chan." said Naruto with a smile. " Hey, Shino, got the razor?"

" I do." said Shino, handing Naruto the grooming tool. With a quick swipe Naruto cut off the whiskers, letting it fall to the ground.

" Wait, if you can cut it off, why does Kaka-sensei still have his?" asked Sakura, looking to Kakashi.

" That's the other plus to being the Luigi." sighed Kakashi. " You don't have to keep yours. The Mario does, though."

" So Sasuke-kun has to keep that look forever?" said Ino, horrified.

" Yep. That's why I wear a mask." said Kakashi. " I'll think I'll go buy him one. See ya, ladies!"

"…"

" That was stupid." grumbled one of the women.

" Completely. Was there any real point to this?"

" They made us sit though that, so we deserve some compensation. Who wants to go shoe shopping?"

" We do!!"


End file.
